A wish no one should make
September 12th, 2018
I’m beginning to fear death. Not because of what may happen after but because of what hasn’t happened before. You never know when your time may be up. And it’s not the loss of potential accomplishments that scare me. I don’t fear not graduating college, not seeing more of the world, or becoming successful. Those are dreams that only exists through me, and die when I do. It’s bigger than that…deeper.
I’m scared that I won’t meet the people I’m meant to. That I won’t build and create the relationships I’ve been meaning to. That I won’t laugh, and cry with those who matter most. I sit here, scrolling through a screen wishing I was friends with people. Everyday I go to my apartment walking past homes with lives in them. I can hear the voices speak from inside that brick building. Why don’t I know them? Why don’t I just fucking say “hi”? And I know, my persistence looks desperate, but I think I’m just going to do it and put myself out there. Because in a world where people will want me to leave them alone, one will want me to stay…and that’s worth fighting for.
After all, should I die, I only survive through those who remember me. The best memories are made through time being spent with one another. And I’ll be damned to die with the weight of my own secret thoughts. The mind is to be shared with others. That’s all I want. That’s all I can live for. For someone to truly know me…all of me. Even the corners of me I wish no one to know.
Should I die tomorrow, please do not say “I wish I got to know her better”…why do you think I open myself to the world? I hope at least one person’s sees me…truly sees me. Don’t you too…want to be seen?
As I work on building relationships personally…face to face, I will continue to do so virtually. I only open myself to you, in hopes you will do the same. Yet, I understand not everyone is willing to do so. But at least I tried…I put an effort in understanding and learning who you are. Should you die tomorrow, I can only hope to not feel the urge of regret climb up my neck and spit out with the words of, “I wish I got to know you better”. How awful a thing to wish for, only when it is too late.
-With love
