I Need You To Know

To the people who say they love me  
Please stop asking how I am because I hate lying and somehow it still shocks me you have to ask 
I need you understand the person you fell in love with has died  
She is gone 
Know that who I am now is someone you will not love easily  
Someone that will pain you to love, because it hurts me to even breath  
Kills me to be alive, and trust me…loving a dead girl is hard  
But I need you to see this  
I need you to look at the body   
Take in the evidence and see the crime scene that lays upon me 
Take a picture if you like and burn it  
Let the flames rise high and make it a ritual  
A ceremony  
Just make it something tangible  
Make it real for me 
Be the light that looks down into the darkness and waves to my soul that sits at the bottom  
Drop down notes that softly flutter toward me, making me reach for something  
Acknowledge that the old me has passed  
Because I am grieving an unsolved homicide  
A murder that is both tragic and ongoing  
When you ignore my depression, my loneliness becomes more concrete 
Like cement that has been laid for you to walk on 
I need you to look down and see me before your feet  
Pick up the gravel that I feel I am and let me fall between your fingers 
Let me fall  
Witness the accident  
If you can slow down and look at the horror of two cars collide  
Then you HAVE to be able to slow down and look at the horror that is me  
You HAVE to  
Grieve with me, be scared with me.  
Because I too am going through the stages  
I want her back just as much as you do 
But my happiness will not return when you hold on to the parts of me I no longer know  
If you say you love me 
I need to know it’s possible for you to love all of my reincarnations 
I’m sorry if it’s tiring  
I’m tired too  
Which is why I need you to stop asking the question that pains me to answer 
So please, just know  
I’m not okay  
You will know when I am  
Because the girl I am now too, will eventually die and a new me will be born  
And I hope, you will have to share your love, with her own. 

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Alyssa Kinahan-Dundas