I Need You To Know
To the people who say they love me
Please stop asking how I am because I hate lying and somehow it still shocks me you have to ask
I need you understand the person you fell in love with has died
She is gone
Know that who I am now is someone you will not love easily
Someone that will pain you to love, because it hurts me to even breath
Kills me to be alive, and trust me…loving a dead girl is hard
But I need you to see this
I need you to look at the body
Take in the evidence and see the crime scene that lays upon me
Take a picture if you like and burn it
Let the flames rise high and make it a ritual
A ceremony
Just make it something tangible
Make it real for me
Be the light that looks down into the darkness and waves to my soul that sits at the bottom
Drop down notes that softly flutter toward me, making me reach for something
Acknowledge that the old me has passed
Because I am grieving an unsolved homicide
A murder that is both tragic and ongoing
When you ignore my depression, my loneliness becomes more concrete
Like cement that has been laid for you to walk on
I need you to look down and see me before your feet
Pick up the gravel that I feel I am and let me fall between your fingers
Let me fall
Witness the accident
If you can slow down and look at the horror of two cars collide
Then you HAVE to be able to slow down and look at the horror that is me
You HAVE to
Grieve with me, be scared with me.
Because I too am going through the stages
I want her back just as much as you do
But my happiness will not return when you hold on to the parts of me I no longer know
If you say you love me
I need to know it’s possible for you to love all of my reincarnations
I’m sorry if it’s tiring
I’m tired too
Which is why I need you to stop asking the question that pains me to answer
So please, just know
I’m not okay
You will know when I am
Because the girl I am now too, will eventually die and a new me will be born
And I hope, you will have to share your love, with her own.
