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The Undeserving

When you try forgetting him but you can’t 
Remember he was never really all that
Remember he loved to talk .TO. you but never with you  
And when you would text him he would never reply back  
The best time to get his attention was drunken nights  
Saturdays to be more exact  
And although you’d always find yourself looking in his eyes  
He never found his way to look back  
Remember that no matter how amazing he could sing and play guitar  
He never strummed the right tune with you  
And even though you thought you were getting comfortable with him  
He made sure not to get too comfortable with you  
He apologized for letting it get too far  
As if the feeling of feeling was too bazarre
Yet he crawled back when you invited him over  
Dropped his apology when you gave him permission to use his boner  
You two never spoke again  
Only the hickeys stayed behind and felt as though they bled  
You told people you hated him 
Though you longed to be his friend 
You never wanted anything more  
Just someone to talk to and maybe occasionally score 
But lunch and a coffee was too much to ask  
Remember that every time you offered he always said he’d pass  
Yet you thought he may have cared 
He would softly scan every curve with his hand  
Even loved your messy curly hair 
But all you can assume is that it was an illusion  
That all he wanted was sex and never saw you as anything resembling human 
You looked at him as someone to groove with, he looked at you as a body to move with 
It sucks  
A lot 
Yet, remember for every guy that screws you over to never fill yourself with hate  
Meeting this boy taught you to let yourself feel for once and never force something that is meant to fall into place  
So when you try forgetting him but you can’t  
Remember he never deserved you because he never gave you a chance

MAMMA: Poem & Performance

My mamma 
Oh my mamma is like that of wind 
She knows how to make you feel kisses from a distance 
Take a falling leaf and let its veins write you a love letter 
Oh my mamma can speak to birds 
She makes sure they say good morning from my bedroom window everyday 
Let it be known…my mamma don’t play 
And on the day’s I’m feeling lonely 
She’ll make sure the world has a playlist ready to make me dance 
Twirl around and remind me that I’m my greatest romance
Oh my mamma resembles trees 
Home to many, but has embedded its roots within me
Ancestral ties
She says, “Never forget the women who have given you life”
Oh my mamma is a river 
A place to bathe in love, but come out an olympic swimmer
Oh my mamma knows the ways of the sun 
Whispers its warmth in her original mamma tongue
Generational queue

A line of women that bear the world, and yet see it in you
Oh my mamma has made mistakes 
She learned the ways of a needle and sewn them beautifully on her cape
No she cannot fly
She taught me how to stand my ground and when to stride on by 
But most importantly, my mamma says shes proud of me 
Tells me I’ve helped make her into the woman she never thought she’d be
And I’m so happy to see 
Little parts of my mamma sprinkled in me 
And I know a day will come 
When I too will have to learn the original mamma tongue
And I will send the wind, drop a leaf, speak to the birds, and be a tree 
To be all the amazing things my mamma was for me 
Because each time I share the story of how my mamma was that of mother earth 
A flower is planted, and love is birthed.

Kit Kat Love

I want a kit kat kind of love  
The type of love where we are still a single unity on our own.  
Still good separated  
Even better to be shared 
But known to be together  
I want to feel like I’ve been dipped in chocolate  
Devoured like I’m rich 
We are to compliment each other  
Our love is to be paired with wine  
Feel like we are indulging 
Yet slowly losing our minds  
Bottle by bottle  
Intoxication  
I want you to make me dance  
Hmm a little tune  
We are delicate  
Should be handled with care  
Though still capable to be inhaled like a woman craving us once a month  
Like I am to crave you  
Once a month  
We will remind each other that we aren’t crazy  
That we were made for each other  
Prepackaged with each of our own destiny that happened to melt together 
We are to be the anticipation a child has when coming home after  trick or treating  
We are too impatience to check the wrapper, you are worth every possible danger 
We are to simply “just make sense”  
Like a kit kat to its bar  
Our love is to come in fun size and in king  
You already know I am a queen  
A little crunch with every step  
A little snap in every bite  
Our love is to be addicting  
A warning on our label  
A love one should splurge on for the simple fact it makes you feel good  
I want a kit kat kind of love  
Unraveled slowly  
And enjoyed piece by piece  

I Need You To Know

To the people who say they love me  
Please stop asking how I am because I hate lying and somehow it still shocks me you have to ask 
I need you understand the person you fell in love with has died  
She is gone 
Know that who I am now is someone you will not love easily  
Someone that will pain you to love, because it hurts me to even breath  
Kills me to be alive, and trust me…loving a dead girl is hard  
But I need you to see this  
I need you to look at the body   
Take in the evidence and see the crime scene that lays upon me 
Take a picture if you like and burn it  
Let the flames rise high and make it a ritual  
A ceremony  
Just make it something tangible  
Make it real for me 
Be the light that looks down into the darkness and waves to my soul that sits at the bottom  
Drop down notes that softly flutter toward me, making me reach for something  
Acknowledge that the old me has passed  
Because I am grieving an unsolved homicide  
A murder that is both tragic and ongoing  
When you ignore my depression, my loneliness becomes more concrete 
Like cement that has been laid for you to walk on 
I need you to look down and see me before your feet  
Pick up the gravel that I feel I am and let me fall between your fingers 
Let me fall  
Witness the accident  
If you can slow down and look at the horror of two cars collide  
Then you HAVE to be able to slow down and look at the horror that is me  
You HAVE to  
Grieve with me, be scared with me.  
Because I too am going through the stages  
I want her back just as much as you do 
But my happiness will not return when you hold on to the parts of me I no longer know  
If you say you love me 
I need to know it’s possible for you to love all of my reincarnations 
I’m sorry if it’s tiring  
I’m tired too  
Which is why I need you to stop asking the question that pains me to answer 
So please, just know  
I’m not okay  
You will know when I am  
Because the girl I am now too, will eventually die and a new me will be born  
And I hope, you will have to share your love, with her own. 

Check Yourself

To the boy who said,  “I’ve never fucked a black girl before” 
As if the spreading of my legs has anything to do with my race 
As if the melanin make up in my skin is a deciding factor of worthiness for love 
I am not an exception 
I am exceptional  
I am a curly haired goddess who just learned to love herself 
To be honest I’m surprised he looked at me as black  
Many times I am lost in a void of confusion 
Stuck in the middle with neither side of the moon pulling for me 
But I am not a wave 
I am the sand it tickles through 
Majority say I speak with white eloquency but rain black thunder like a lion with my opinionated thoughts. 
I come from the diversified unification of my parents and I am proudly a steady makeup of both of them… I am me 
Many times I’m told who I am based on how others see me 
“Girl don’t act like you’re black” 
I am not exotic  
I am not an animal  
I am my own being   
I am a queen 
And no man will step in my palace who thinks I am nothing more than a check mark on his bucket list  
Don’t question my throne, I will fuck your day up 
Whatever you think I am…I am all of it and much more honey 
I will not let your ignorant infested mind, sicken me with your stupidity  
I will not let your bitterness take away my sweet succulent love 
I am more than just a girl with a pussy  
I am more than just a BLACK girl with a pussy 
My womanhood is the sun and my rays will never shine its warmth on you  
If you look at me as your first time for anything other than losing your virginity, fuck yourself and check that shit off your bucket list 
How many more times do I have to have a good conversation cut short because of dumb foolery 
Obviously too many 
I’m tired of counting 
I’m tired of meeting guys who are infected with a URT 
Undetected Racist Thought  
A disease the holder is unaware of but passes that shit along 
I am a girl who comes from a white mother and a black father  
I come from the descent of backbones made from shards of metal lashes and I am capable of more than you could ever imagine to put on your bucket list 
I am not a colored object you can check off 
I am a woman strong enough to know when to cut boys like you off… 
I am all I am and that is enough  
He said “I’ve never fucked a black girl before” 
I said, “I won’t be your first.

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Alyssa Kinahan-Dundas