March 24th, 2018
I hate that I long for friendship, but pride myself so much on being strong and independent. I hate that I can’t be vulnerable. I hate that I can’t trust. I hate that I desire to talk to someone and then never want to talk. I hate that whenever someone FINALLY approaches me I shoot them down because I question their intentions. I’m my own enemy. I am the glass ceiling. No matter how solid I think I am, I’m fragile. As much as I want to be transparent and be seen through and through, I never open the blinds. It’s always dark. Even when the sun shines, it burns. I don’t know where to go or who to go to. I just want to be loved with no strings attached. I want a love that is free, and unbound. I want a love that is walked to and not pushed to. A love of freedom and not chains.
I’ve loved myself for so long and I’m getting tired. It’s constant work. If I cannot forever love myself, how will anyone?